


we've come too far (to leave it all behind)

by conefire



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24602089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conefire/pseuds/conefire
Summary: “I have a girlfriend.”Ellie thinks she visibly recoils.Aster has a what?“Sorry, what?”Aster looks sheepish now, tugging at the sleeves of her denim jacket. “I have a girlfriend.”
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 61
Kudos: 572





	we've come too far (to leave it all behind)

**Author's Note:**

> title from if you leave me now by chicago (aka the hot springs song)
> 
> fixing the formatting in ao3 made me want to DIE

_Dear Aster Flores,_

_I’m back in Squahamish again._

_For Christmas. Obviously._

_I don’t expect to see you, given that every other time I’ve been in town, you’re mysteriously not, but I still hope to. It’s stupid, isn’t it? Nearly four years of no contact, and somehow you’ve still got this hold on me. Like we’re tied together by the red thread of fate. Maybe it’s just me._

_It’s stupid, really._

_Honestly I don’t know why I bother writing these letters. I never send them anyways. But who knows. Maybe one day, if we’re ever friends (and I mean REAL friends), I’ll show them to you._

_Probably not._

_Yours,_

_Ellie Chu_

+-+

Ellie texts Paul the second she’s on the train back to Squahamish. He responds excitedly not five seconds later, caps lock on and enough emojis to give her a headache. She smiles despite not totally understanding what “😝🎉🌮🌭” means. (Well, she thinks she can figure out the last two).

She sees him when they’re about to get to the station. He’s lined up by a tree like a track racer, looking back at the train, looking for her. She stares at him and furrows her brows, and mouths “what are you doing?”, but he just gives her a big, goofy grin. As soon as her train car passes him, he takes off. Sprinting as hard as he can, he’s running next to the train, next to her, as they arrive in Squahamish together.

Ellie gets off the train and stares at Paul, who’s now bent over trying to catch his breath with his hands on his knees. He still wears the same brown jacket from high school, his hair is still around the same length, and of course, he’s still the same idiot who runs after trains, but Ellie knows he’s different. She knows that after she left for Iowa, he worked day and night to perfect his new sausage recipe with his mom, eventually getting him published in food magazines from all over. Ellie knows he made it to Iowa, because she saw him there.

He’s still an idiot, though.

“You know you can just stand at the station and wait, right?” she asks. He takes two deep breaths before standing up straight and beaming at her.

“But then I wouldn’t see you as fast.”

She rolls her eyes at him. But when he pulls her in for a hug, she drops her bags and wraps her arms around him, and yeah. It’s good to see Paul again.

+-+

They’re sitting together on the floor in Ellie’s living room, her dad behind them and another one of his black and white movies playing on the TV in front of them, when Paul brings it up.

“So… you and Aster,” he says. Ellie looks at him, but his eyes are still locked on the screen.

She turns back to the screen too. “What about me and Aster?”

Then she feels Paul look at her, so she turns back to look at him.

“Have you two talked?”

She shakes her head and takes a sip of her yakult.

“Oh. Why not?” And as much as Paul’s grown over the past three and a half years, he never lost that dopey lost puppy look that he gets when he’s confused. Ellie kind of hates him for it, because she can never get away with not answering when he asks her things with that face.

Ellie puts down her yakult and shifts to face him fully. He moves to turn his body towards her too. She shrugs and looks away, unable to meet his dopey puppy eyes. “I guess we just don’t have much to talk about.”

And it’s true, to an extent. After Ellie left for Iowa, she’d been immersed in her new world. A world filled with college parties, and late night study sessions, and so many new people from all over. She was busy. And from what she’d heard, Aster was too. Paul had kept her up to date on what Aster was doing without any prompting on her end, but without any discouragement either. She was fully up to date on everything Aster Flores had done in the past three and a half years. 

Besides, Ellie didn’t even have Aster’s real number. The only connection they had left was Ghost Messenger, but it felt wrong to text Aster with the profile she’d deceived her with, even if they had made up a bit.

Paul slumps a little in his seat. “Oh.”

And Ellie doesn’t know what to make of _that_ , because Paul sounds like someone just said they hated his taco sausages. And she has no idea why.

She glances back at him. “I mean she never reached out in college. And I never saw her whenever I was back, so… yeah.”

He sits up straight at that. “Well she’s back right now. She told me.” He sounds hopeful now, and he’s wearing one of his big smiles, the one that means he has what he thinks is a great idea. “I can give you her number, you guys can plan something and hang out and catch up.”

Ellie doesn’t know why, but that idea is _terrifying_. “No, no. It’s okay.”

But Paul’s already pulling out his phone and typing, and she feels a buzz in her back pocket. “Cool. I just sent you her number.” He glances at his wristwatch and grabs his backpack, downing the last of his yakult in the process. “Shoot, I gotta go home. I’m sure she really wants to see you Ellie. And don’t worry about the talking part. You’re good at that stuff. And I mean, you have four years of stuff to catch up on.” He smiles, big and bright as he starts heading for the front door. “It’ll be great. Old high school buddies getting back together!” He waves at her dad as he’s leaving, and his voice is muffled by the door closing. “Bye Mr. Chu!” And then he’s gone.

Ellie turns back to the TV and looks at her half empty yakult bottle. Her heart is racing. She downs the yakult, trying to imagine the burn of alcohol instead of the familiar sweet flavor that she gets. 

“Yeah. It’ll be great,” she mutters, but with the way her heart’s pounding, she has a feeling it’s going to be anything but.

+-+

Several hours later, Ellie’s lying in bed staring at her phone. There’s an empty text message to the newest contact in her phone, _Aster Flores_ , staring back at her.

 _Hey, how’s it going?_ Delete, delete.

 _Hi, got your number from Paul._ No. No. No.

 _Paul told me to messa-_ Nope.

 _Hey girl, are you trash? ‘Cause I’d like to take you ou-_ Ellie shakes her head. Where did that even come from? She definitely can’t send that.

She eventually settles on a simple: _Hey Aster, it’s Ellie._ She stares at it for about five minutes before closing her eyes, looking away, and blindly hitting send. Ellie glances back at the screen a few seconds later, and sees three blinking dots flashing back at her.

She throws her phone across the room and launches her covers over her head. She hears it slam into the wall, and cringes.

She really can’t do this.

+-+

Luckily, her phone is fine, but Ellie still doesn’t check it for a while, until she finally can’t take it anymore. Though when she does finally look at it, she kind of wishes she hadn’t.

_Hey._

Ellie stares at the lone word on her phone. “Hey,” she mutters under her breath. “Three damn letters.”

Hey? What is she supposed to do with hey? It feels crazy, but somehow it was easier to talk to Aster when she was pretending to be Paul. At least then, she had him to hide behind. But this, texting Aster as herself, as _Ellie,_ with no fake persona between them, this is laying her soul bare for Aster to see. It’s terrifying. And Aster isn’t giving her anything to work with.

She groans and throws her arm over her head, but then her phone buzzes again and she instinctively brings it back in front of her face. It’s a message from Paul.

_Did u text her yet??_

She replies quickly. _Yeah, last night._

_What did u talk about?_

_…_

_Did u ask to hang out_

She shakes her head in disbelief. It’s not that simple, and she tells him as much.

_There’s a lot of messed up history from high school. You know that._

He types for longer this time, and Ellie takes the time to start getting ready for the day. By the time she’s brushing her teeth, there’s a new message.

_I guess…_

_But me and her figured it out and are friends now_

_And i’m not even as good with words as u_

_Idk why you guys can’t do the same_

She sticks her toothbrush in her mouth to optimize her typing speed. _If she wanted to hang out, I’m sure she would ask._

Paul’s silent after that.

She switches back to her texts with Aster and stares at the three letters again. “Game on, Aster Flores,” she mutters.

She turns off her phone screen and puts it away.

+-+

Later that night, her phone buzzes with a new text from Paul. 

_Down for a movie? 🍿🍿🎬🎟🎟_

_We can go to the new theater!!! 🥳🚘_

_Sure,_ Ellie responds. She’s just been hanging out with her dad all day anyways.

+-+

Paul pulls into the parking lot and Ellie’s about to get out of the car when he suddenly turns to her. “Okay. Don’t be mad.”

Her hand’s on the door handle when she looks back at him. “Mad about what?”

They’re walking to the ticket booth when she sees what. Because standing there, seemingly looking for them, is Aster Flores. 

She’s wearing a denim jacket and tight skinny jeans that should probably be illegal, and Ellie can tell exactly when Aster spots them, because she locks eyes with Ellie and gives a soft smile.

Evidently, her feet have stopped moving though, because Paul gives her a small nudge that shakes her out of her stupor. They meet up with Aster, and she gives Paul a tight hug before turning to Ellie.

“Hey,” she says, in a quiet voice.

Ellie just stares. “Hi.”

Paul wraps his arms around both of them like a big teddy bear, dragging them into the theater. But even with Paul’s form between them, Ellie catches Aster’s eyes behind his back and blushes.

+-+

They’re about to head in, when Ellie announces, “I need to use the bathroom,” and scurries off. She hopes it doesn’t look like she’s running away, because that’s most definitely _not_ what she’s doing. She just needs some air. She stops and stares at herself in the mirror and takes a second to take some deep breaths. She plants her hands on the sides of the sink firmly. “What are you doing? Jesus, it’s like I’m in high school again,” she whispers.

Ellie turns on the sink and starts washing her hands, which feel a little sweaty due to recent events, when she hears the door open. She glances up and sees Aster walk in through the mirror. They lock eyes before Ellie quickly averts them to go back to washing her hands. It feels just like high school all over again, and Ellie kicks herself because she thought she had grown, she really had.

But then she glances up again and sees Aster still staring at her. When they lock eyes Aster smiles and looks down, and suddenly Ellie feels a fluttering in her stomach that travels all the way up to her heart and stays there. And she thinks that if this is what she felt in high school, she doesn’t ever want to grow up.

Clearly she’s the only one who’s stuck in high school though, because just when she’s going to walk out the door without a word between the two of them, just like in high school, Aster speaks up. “Ellie, wait.”

Aster’s hand is warm on Ellie’s upper arm where she’s grabbing her gently. Ellie stares at it for a moment before Aster’s removing it with a quiet apology.

She sees Aster’s hand go to hold her other arm awkwardly instead as she looks down at the floor. “I just think we should talk.” Then Aster’s gaze shifts to look straight at her, and Ellie feels that fluttering again. “Can we just talk?”

It’s a shame Ellie’s never been able to say no to Aster.

She turns to face her fully and crosses her arms, shifting her weight uncomfortably. “Sure. What about?”

Aster looks put off. Ellie doesn’t know why she’s doing this. Shutting Aster out. Just yesterday, she was hoping to run into her. But then, she thinks, she _does_ know why.

Because she had realized. It had been a couple of years, she’d given Aster that. Honestly, Ellie had needed it too, to get out of tiny Hell-quamish and meet new people from all over, and really figure herself out. But then, Ellie realizes, she’d been waiting for Aster. She figured that in those couple of years, Aster would’ve figured herself out, and well, it’s stupid really, but she had figured that Aster might have come back to her.

 _Stupid_ , she thinks. _Aster doesn’t belong to you. She doesn’t belong to anyone._

But then, she thinks, _why did you wait for her?_

Maybe it’s because Aster is the prettiest girl Ellie’s ever seen. Maybe it’s because she’s also the most well read and thoughtful girl Ellie’s ever met. Maybe it’s in the way she smiles so softly at Ellie despite their strange history. Maybe it’s because of this unavoidable pull and _connection_ Ellie feels between the two of them. _Or_ , Ellie thinks, _maybe I’m just gay and stupid_.

After what seems like an eternity of thinking about Aster and what makes her so special, Aster finally speaks up in response to her question. “I just- I mean,” she huffs and takes a breath. Ellie doesn’t think she’s ever seen her so… shaken.

So she talks instead.

“Look Aster, it’s okay. We both went our own separate ways, we needed space to grow up on our own. You didn’t owe-”

“I have a girlfriend.”

Ellie thinks she visibly _recoils._

Aster has a _what?_

“Sorry, what?”

Aster looks sheepish now, tugging at the sleeves of her denim jacket. “I have a girlfriend.”

Oh. _Oh._ “Um,” Ellie doesn’t quite know how to respond, but, “that’s- that’s great, Aster. Congratulations.” She can’t help but think, _Why are you congratulating her? Like a girlfriend is a prize or something?_

Aster responds in a quiet voice. “Thanks.”

They stand there silently for a moment, neither meeting the other’s eyes. Finally, Ellie breaks the silence. She gestures to the door behind her, shoves her other hand in the pocket of her jeans, and says, “Paul’s probably waiting on us.”

Aster shakes out of her stupor at that, locking eyes with Ellie for a brief moment before quickly looking away. “Yeah, um. Let’s go.”

 _Idiot_ , Ellie thinks on the way out. _You absolute idiot._

+-+

Paul sits between them in the theater. He happily munches on popcorn the entire time, seemingly unaware of the thick cloud of tension surrounding them. Ellie tries to subtly glance past him to Aster a few times, but each time, Aster’s eyes are fixed on the screen. She’s sitting oddly still, Ellie notes, because from what she remembers from her and Paul’s spying in high school, Aster always had her emotions on full display during movies. Her face would plainly show her every reaction to the moving pictures on the screen whether it was a big grin when something exciting happened, a gentle frown when a dramatic scene came up, or a bittersweet smile as the credits rolled.

Now though, her face is still. Emotionless.

Ellie shakes herself out of her thoughts. _You’re not studying her anymore, creep._

She tries to focus back on the movie, but her thoughts keep drifting to Aster and her girlfriend. Her _girlfriend_. _Aster_ has a _girlfriend_.

Ellie gives Paul a soft nudge with her elbow. When he doesn’t look away from the screen, she nudges a little harder. Finally, he turns his head to look at her.

“What’s up?” he whispers, as quiet as he can.

“Did you know Aster has a girlfriend?” she asks. She glances to the girl in question, who seems to finally have taken her eyes off the screen, and is now shooting them a quizzical look. Ellie gives her what she hopes looks like an innocent smile before she quickly looks back to Paul. 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, forgot to tell you.” He turns back to the movie. “They’ve been together for like, almost half a year.” He flashes her a big smile. “Isn’t that great?”

She furrows her brows and looks back to the movie screen. “Yeah…great.”

+-+

After the movie, Paul goes to the bathroom, leaving Ellie and Aster on their own once again. Neither of them talks for a while, until finally:

“So your girlfr-”

“Sorry abou-”

They both go silent, and Aster lets out a small chuckle. Ellie smiles at her, and she thinks it’s the first real one she’s given Aster in a while. 

“What were you gonna say?” Ellie asks.

Aster puts her hands in the pockets of her denim jacket. “I wanted to say sorry. For just dropping the girlfriend bomb on you out of nowhere. I didn’t mean to make things weird,” she says, and that’s when Ellie knows she’s messed up.

“No, you don’t have to apologize for anything, Aster. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.” She pauses then, careful that her next words come out right. “I’m happy for you. Really.” She gives Aster what she hopes comes off as a genuine smile, and it must work, because Aster smiles back.

And she _does_ feel happy for Aster, okay? She does. Even if there’s a tightness in her chest that threatens to suck the air out of her lungs.

“Thanks,” Aster replies. A beat passes, then, “Told you I’d be sure in a couple of years,” Aster teases. She’s wearing a cocky grin now, and Ellie can’t help but roll her eyes.

“Okay, you got me there. Guess I underestimated you, Miss Flores.” Ellie smiles, and it feels like their banter from the few moments they had together in high school. It’s nice, she decides.

Paul comes back then, and Ellie gives Aster a final private smile, just between the two of them, before Paul’s wrapping them both up in his arms again and walking them towards the exit, saying, “We should do this again sometime!”

And Ellie thinks maybe that’s not the worst idea in the world.

She smiles, and says, “Yeah. Sure.”

+-+

Ellie flops onto her bed with a content sigh when she gets home that night. Okay, so maybe she wasn’t too happy when she first realized Paul had tricked her into seeing Aster again. _Maybe_ she was being a little dramatic before. 

Her phone buzzes in her back pocket. She struggles to take it out for a second, but finally gets it in front of her face after a few seconds of wiggling around.

It’s Aster.

_Sorry, I now realize a single ‘Hey’ was probably not the best way to get a conversation going._

Ellie smiles as she starts typing. _No kidding. Almost thought I was texting Paul for a while._

She can almost see Aster rolling her eyes in her response. _Oh please. I don’t text anything like him._

_You sure? You know, I can always give you some conversation lessons too. There’s a very elaborate ping pong metaphor._

Aster’s response is quick. _Ping pong, huh? I wouldn’t mind a game or two._

Ellie can feel her cheeks start to hurt from smiling for so long, but she can’t help it. Talking to Aster is fun. It always has been.

It’s just so… effortless.

Though the teasing is a little new. Still, Ellie knows she can keep up.

_Can’t you tell? We’re already playing._

+-+

“I can’t believe you play piano now.”

Ellie is leaning (only somewhat precariously) over the edge of the second floor of the church trying to hang Christmas lights, when Paul takes them from her and easily puts them into place.

Stupid Paul with his stupid long arms.

He straightens up and dusts off his hands like it was nothing. “Someone had to take over after you left. Besides, I think Mr. Flores likes me.”

Ellie shakes off the memory of Aster telling her that her father can’t stand mediocre accompanists. Instead, she asks Paul, “Are you any good at it?”

Paul looks at her like she just threw one of his taco sausages in the trash. “Good? I’m great at it! Otherwise Mr. Flores wouldn’t let me play services.” He sits at the piano bench and pats the spot next to him. Ellie reluctantly sits down.

“I just didn’t think piano was very,” Ellie thinks for a moment. “You.”

To his credit, Paul just shrugs the comment off. “Didn’t high school teach you anything about not judging books by their covers?”

Then he starts playing.

It starts slow, low harmonious chords slowly building up tension and creating a booming yet gentle sound. Paul’s hands climb the notes of the piano, going up, up, until they start a gentle melody that fills Ellie’s heart with a warmth that feels like home.

It sounds… bittersweet.

Paul starts talking then. “I’m not really, uh, good with words. But you know that.” His hands move quickly now, playing a fast rhythmic section that sounds aggressive and contrasts with the earlier gentleness. Ellie’s eyes are fixated on Paul’s fast moving hands. Then, the harshness dies down, and the melody softens once more.

“What I mean is, I’m sorry.” Ellie shifts her eyes to Paul’s face now, and though his gaze is locked on the keys, she sees a cloudiness in them, like he’s not really there playing.

“What for?” she asks.

“In high school, I was kind of a stupid idiot a lot. You put up with it, I mean I paid you, but still. Um.” Paul fills the silence while he thinks with the sound of his playing. Ellie stays silent, waiting for him to find the words.

“I never said sorry. For what I said to you, the day of the football game.”

And Ellie knows immediately what he’s talking about.

College had been eye opening. Ellie had discovered the world beyond tiny Squahamish and met people from all sorts of backgrounds. She had gone to college comfortable in her own skin, and lived an open life there. But of course, she still met people who were closed-minded. Yet none of their words had had the same sting as the ones Paul had said to her, that night next to the yakult vending machine.

_It’s a sin._

_You’re going to hell._

She tries to tell him that she forgave him a long time ago, but he won’t hear it.

“No, no. I know you think what I said in this place three years ago was enough, but it’s not. Not for me.” The song he’s playing dies out and comes to a gentle close. Paul shifts on the tiny bench they’re sharing, and turns to face her. He looks Ellie right in the eyes, and says, “I’m sorry, Ellie. I’m sorry for telling you that being who you are was a sin and for telling you that you were going to hell. I was wrong.”

Ellie feels tears brim in her eyes, but she quickly blinks them away. She tries to speak but she can’t find the words, so instead she wraps her arms around his middle and hugs him tight. “Thank you.”

+-+

That Sunday, Ellie goes to church.

Not to listen to the sermon, of course, but to listen to Paul play.

Mr. Flores had tried to convince her to play instead of Paul when he learned that she was back, but she adamantly refused. It wasn’t her place anymore. It was Paul’s.

She sits on the bench next to him like she did a few days ago, on the side closest to the congregation. Paul doesn’t question why she wants to sit on that side, and she’s happy to not provide an answer.

Ellie steals what she hopes are sneaky glances over the ledge, until finally, she sees Aster walk in. Though she must not have been as sneaky as she had thought, because Paul leans over and says, “Aster’s here, right?”

“Dude,” she jumps a little and gives him a light slap on the arm, “you scared me.”

“But I’ve been sitting right here the whole time,” Paul complains.

Ellie turns back to the congregation. “Still,” she grumbles. A beat passes, then, “Yeah. Aster’s here.”

She thinks she can actually _feel_ Paul smile behind her. 

“I’m glad. She can hear me play.” Paul seems to contemplate for a moment. When he talks next, there’s a light teasing lilt in his voice. “She can hear how much better than you I am.”

Ellie slaps his arm a little harder this time. “You wish, dude.”

When the service finally starts, Paul turns back to the piano to play and Ellie takes the opportunity to steal some more glances at Aster. After the congregation sits back down and Paul’s done playing the opening hymn, Ellie sees Aster open her Bible and fidget a little in her seat.

Ellie narrows her eyes and leans farther towards the edge of the balcony to get a better view. Then, she sees it.

Aster’s phone, carefully hidden between the pages of her Bible. Ellie can’t quite see what she’s looking at, but she figures it’s not the passage being preached.

Ellie pulls out her own phone from her back pocket.

_Texting during service? Looks like you haven’t changed as much as you say._

She sees Aster get the notification and tap on it, and for some reason, Ellie’s heart beats just a little faster when the three dots appear on her screen.

_Could say the same to you, heathen._

Ellie smiles and shakes her head. _Careful with the assumptions you make. Who says I’m still a heathen?_

 _Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the texting in church thing._ Aster closes the Bible over her phone.

Ellie responds anyways. _In that case, I count two heathens, not one._

Ellie waits for Aster to reopen her Bible, but she doesn’t until near the end of the service.

_Guess you got me there._

And that’s… interesting.

+-+

Ellie’s lying in bed that night when she gets another text from Aster.

_Are you busy?_

She shoots back a reply. _Now? No, why?_

_Look outside your window._

Ellie quickly gets up, pushes her glasses up her nose when they start to slip, and stands by the window. She looks out, and almost can’t believe her eyes.

Aster’s leans against the passenger side door of her car, the same yellow one from high school. She smiles when she catches Ellie’s eyes, gives a small wave, and makes a motion for Ellie to come down.

Ellie goes.

 _Maybe_ she thinks it’s a little weird that Aster’s asking to hang out with her late at night when she has a _girlfriend_ , but she figures it’s a friend thing. Friends hang out at night. Her and Paul hang out at night all the time.

Plus, Ellie’s grown up. She can handle a little lingering high school crush.

So, yes. When Aster asks her if she wants to see another secret place she found in tiny Squahamish, Ellie nods and climbs into the passenger seat.

If her hands are a little sweaty, and her heart feels like she just biked up a massive hill, well, that’s nothing.

+-+

Aster drives them to an open grass field nearly the size of the football field. She sits down in the middle of it, and pats the spot next to her. Ellie sits, leaving a healthy amount of space between the two of them. Aster glances at the gap and raises an eyebrow, but says nothing, so Ellie just pretends not to see, instead staring at the dark night sky above them.

“How do you even find these places?” she asks, leaning back on her hands to get a better look at the stars.

Ellie sees Aster shrug in the corner of her eye. “I just did a lot of driving around in high school, I guess. It was a good way to clear my head.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a while, just staring up at the stars. Ellie hears crickets coming from the trees behind them, and a soft breeze sends a mild shiver running up her spine.

“You okay?” Aster asks, in a soft voice.

Ellie wraps her arms around herself. “Yeah, fine. Just a little cold.” She smiles at Aster. “Didn’t exactly expect to spend the night sitting in an open field.”

Aster smiles back. “It’s nice though, isn’t it? I mean, cold aside.” She looks back at the bright stars above them. “It’s… peaceful.”

Ellie looks at Aster. “Like the whole world’s asleep,” she says.

Aster lets out a soft chuckle. “Yeah. Old habits really do die hard.”

It’s quiet again for a while, but then Aster leans back until she’s lying flat on her back, hands behind her head, staring straight up at the sky. Ellie stares at her for a second, before lying back and doing the same.

“Do you ever feel,” Aster sounds hesitant. “Lonely?” 

She pauses for a moment, and Ellie waits for her to continue.

“Art school was fun. _Is_ fun, I guess. And I met so many great people, and everyone was so talented, and it was the first time I felt like I connected with more than just one person, you know?”

“Yeah,” Ellie says softly. She does know, because she experienced the same thing at Grinnell.

“But,” and Aster seems to struggle to get the words out, “I just felt like there should’ve been more.”

Ellie hears the grass rustle next to her, and suddenly Aster’s turned on her side so she can look at Ellie. Ellie turns over to face her too.

“Do you know how I became sure in college?” Aster’s voice is quiet now, so quiet it almost blends into the night.

“How?” Ellie breathes.

“I don’t-,” Aster closes her eyes gently. “I don’t go to church anymore.” She lets out a short laugh. “God, I can almost feel my dad judging me.”

Ellie just looks at her. “So, your text on Sunday…”

Aster’s serious again, and Ellie feels like she can see her soul, baring itself for Ellie to see through Aster’s eyes. “I still think there’s _something_ out there. Some higher being. But, as for what, or who,” she shrugs gently. “But even that bit of uncertainty is… scary. I have no idea how you went your whole life thinking there’s nothing.”

Ellie just gives her a soft smile in response. “That’s what people are for. I didn’t know it before, well, before Paul and _you,_ really, but when you don’t have something else to believe in, some higher thing or being,” she stares into Aster’s eyes. “You have to believe in people.”

Aster smiles. “So, who do you believe in now?”

Ellie shies under her stare. She looks away from Aster, rolling back onto her back and folding her hands comfortably over her stomach. “My dad, for one. He was the only one for a while, especially after my mom died. But then,” she smiles, unable to help herself, “I met Paul. Thanks for that, by the way,” she jokes, earning a small chuckle from beside her. “And he just… gets me. You know?”

“Yeah,” Aster responds, so quiet Ellie nearly doesn’t hear her.

Ellie pauses and they both just stare up at the stars for a moment. It’s funny, she thinks, because when they were in high school, Ellie would’ve put Aster under the list of people she believed in too. Even though they barely knew each other. Even though they weren’t friends. Even if Aster thought she was talking to Paul.

 _Even now_ , she thinks. After nearly four years of radio silence. She still believes in Aster.

Ellie wants to tell her, but… she doesn’t know how.

“Aster, I-,” she stammers for a moment. Ellie’s glad they’re not facing each other anymore. She closes her eyes. “I believed in you, too.” Her voice is nearly a whisper. “Still do.”

Aster doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking up at the sky. 

Then, finally, “Why didn’t you ever text me?”

Ellie steals a glance at Aster in the corner of her eye. She’s still facing the sky, but there’s a gentle furrow in her brow now that Ellie wishes wasn’t there.

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“I mean,” Aster seems to struggle to find the words. “You never texted. After you left for Grinnell.” She laughs, but it sounds empty and hollow. “It was like you disappeared off the face of the planet.”

It sounds almost… accusatory.

Ellie can’t help but respond sarcastically. “You didn’t exactly text either.” It comes out sharp, even to her own ears, and she winces a little, but it’s too late to take it back.

Aster scoffs. “Sorry, I was a little busy. You know suddenly realizing you like women when you’re a deacon’s daughter isn’t exactly the easiest thing to deal with.”

“I know! That’s why I gave you space, so you could figure yourself out without me texting you every other second. Besides, it’s not like you didn’t have a way to message me. You have my Ghost Messenger, and I was in Squahamish pretty much every holiday,” she tries to explain.

Aster sits up then. Ellie does the same.

Aster looks frustrated. Ellie hates it.

“I didn’t-, no. I _don’t_ owe anything to you, Ellie.” Finally, Aster looks Ellie in the eyes. And Ellie’s heart breaks, just a little, because her eyes are filled with frustration and she can feel Aster’s pain bleeding through. “I figured out I liked girls in college and then had to come back home to a dad who I knew would be _furious_ if he ever found out. At least you were sure and had a dad you knew would love you no matter what, instead of a father who couldn’t wait to marry you off to the town’s most eligible bachelor.” Aster’s breathing comes out in heavy puffs of air now. The next time she speaks, it’s quieter. “I don’t owe you anything, Ellie. But I thought you would be the one to reach out.” Ellie can see now, tears brimming at the edges of Aster’s eyes. “I really could’ve used a friend like you these last couple of years.” Aster wipes her tears away, gets up, and starts walking away.

Ellie scrambles to follow her. Aster gets in her car and slams the door, and Ellie reluctantly climbs in the passenger side. They sit in silence for a few seconds. Then, Aster starts the engine. “It’s late,” she says. “I’ll drive you home.” Ellie hates how the words sound. Forced, and sharp.

It’s silent the entire drive.

+-+

Ellie and Paul are walking together when he finally brings it up.

“What happened?”

She pretends not to know what he’s talking about. “What do you mean?”

He stops walking. She gets a few feet ahead of him before she notices he’s no longer beside her. “Come on, don’t do that,” he calls from behind her.

She turns to face him. “Do what?”

“You know what.”

Ellie frowns, turns around, and keeps walking. She hears Paul jog to catch up to her, then he’s walking beside her again.

“You and her like each other too much to let something as small as one tiny argument get between you,” he says.

“She has a girlfriend.”

“I know.” Then, Paul realizes what Ellie means. “No- I know! That’s not what I meant. I just mean… you guys have something special. Even if you’re not dating, there’s a,” he searches for the word. “A connection. Like that string you told me about one time. The blue string of destiny.”

“Red Thread of Fate.”

“Right, yeah. The Red Thread of Fate!”

This time, Ellie stops. Paul stops and faces her. She looks up at him, and wonders again how they ever became friends.

Right. Aster.

She looks down at her feet. “I don’t think she wants to talk to me anyways.”

Paul just says, “How do you know if you haven’t even tried?”

+-+

 _Dear Aster Flores,_ Ellie writes.

_Is it strange to be writing to you when I talked to you in person last night? Using these letters as my personal diary didn’t seem so strange when we hadn’t talked in three years, but now that we ARE talking again (or maybe not… thanks to my good going), maybe it’s a little weird._

_I guess this is just my way of preserving our connection. You know, in case I really did screw things up for good last night._

_I’m sorry for not reaching out. I’m sorry for expecting you to. I think we both made some assumptions we shouldn’t have._

_I know you don’t owe me anything. I never expected anything from you. To be honest, that bold move of mine was something akin to a goodbye. A parting gift, from me to the small world of Squahamish. From me, to you. And I guess it had a bigger impact on you then I realized or expected._

_I honestly didn’t think I’d ever even talk to you again after that. I figured you’d go off to art school (which you did), I’d go off to Grinnell (which I did), and that would be that. Two diverging paths, never to intersect again. Except maybe at some awkward high school reunions I’m sure Paul would drag me to. But even then, you’d probably avoid me._

_So imagine my surprise when Paul tricks us into hanging out again. And you corner me in a bathroom, and tell me you have a girlfriend. I told you this, but I don’t think I really got my point across._

_I’m happy for you. Really. I’m proud of you. It’s not easy, I know. Especially in a town like this, with a family like yours. But you did it, you made that bold stroke. I hope you keep making bold strokes. And I really hope you end up with a great painting._

_I-_

Ellie stops writing. “What are you doing?” she mutters to herself. She should be telling all this to Aster in person, not writing it down on a sheet of paper no one’s ever going to read. She decides, then. 

She needs to talk to Aster again.

+-+

Ellie’s outside the train station, on her bike about to leave, when she sees a familiar yellow car drive up. She goes to lean her bike on the operator’s booth, and by the time she does, Aster’s parked and standing across from her, fiddling with the sleeve of her denim jacket.

“Hey,” she says. 

“Hey.”

It’s silent for a few seconds. She should probably apologize, right? Right.

“Look, I’m sorr-”

“Sorry for las-”

They both stare at one another for a moment, before the silence breaks with their laughter. Aster gestures at her to go ahead.

“Aster, I’m really sorry about last night. I’m sorry for not reaching out, or for expecting you to make the first move. And of _course_ you don’t owe me anything. I never expected that from you, and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. And, for the record, I’m really proud of you. For finding yourself.”

Aster smiles. “Thank you,” she says in a quiet voice. “And, Ellie,” she sighs. “It’s not your fault. I was just-.” She pauses. “I’m sorry too. I was just being defensive, and stupid, and,” Aster runs a hand down her face. “I guess last night made me realize I still have a lot of things to figure out. I’m really sorry, Ellie. I didn’t mean to guilt you for something that was about me.” Aster steps closer, arms open in a placating gesture. “Can we just be friends?”

Ellie’s breath catches in her throat for a moment before she nods. If Aster needs a friend, then Ellie will be a friend.

 _Friends_ , she thinks. _I can do friends._

+-+

Okay, so maybe she can’t do friends.

Well she _can_ , but it’ll just be harder than she thought.

After they’d made their apologies, Ellie’s dad had yelled out the window in Mandarin and told Ellie to get Aster to help decorate the train station with Christmas lights. Aster, of course, had asked what he’d shouted, and, well, here they are.

Aster, perched at the top of a ladder hanging lights on the roof of the train station, while Ellie holds onto the bottom of it, eyes firmly trained at the ground. 

“Hey Ellie, can you pass me more- whoa!”

At the sound of Aster’s surprised shriek, Ellie gasps and her eyes immediately dart to the top of the ladder, where Aster is perched, perfectly fine, smiling down at her.

She giggles. “Gotcha.”

“Not funny! Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack,” Ellie yells up at her. Aster just keeps smiling back. Ellie glares.

“You’re cute when you’re pretending to be mad,” Aster says.

Ellie feels her cheeks heat up. She looks away. “Just keep hanging up lights.” She hears Aster giggle softly again.

Later when Ellie’s inside the booth putting up lights, she hears the door open behind her and barely turns around in time to see Aster closing the door behind her, shutting them inside the tiny space together.

Ellie holds up her hands, still holding the long tangles of Christmas lights. Her elbows are tucked in close to her body, and she and Aster are pressed so close that their toes are touching, the rest of their bodies just barely kept apart. “A little cramped to hang up lights, don’t you think?” She tries to keep her tone light, tries to keep the nerves out of her voice.

Aster just tangles her hand in Ellie’s, and the lights. Her fingers and her palm are smooth against Ellie’s own, and a stark contrast to the harsh press of the light cords. Ellie stares at their interlaced hands for a second, before Aster’s stepping closer. Ellie steps back on instinct, and then suddenly she’s pressed against the wall of the booth, Aster’s hand still interlaced with her own. Aster leans in and for a moment Ellie panics-

Then Aster’s gently grabbing a handful of the lights from her hand, leaning past her and giving her a small bump with her hip.

“Teamwork, right?”

They’re still pressed tightly together with how small the booth is. Ellie feels every motion Aster makes to detangle the coils of Christmas lights and hang them up. It takes her a second to realize Aster’s talking to her. Her breaths feel heavy, like her chest is heaving with every inhale and exhale. She hopes Aster can’t feel it, but she probably can.

Ellie still thinks it’s a little cramped to both be hanging up lights in here. And she’s afraid. So afraid.

 _Of what?_ She asks herself.

And then she answers herself. _Of this. Of Aster_.

But then she gulps down her fear. No, she thinks. She’s not afraid of this, not anymore. Not since she left for Iowa to go to the school of her dreams. Not since she became best friends with the most unlikely of candidates.

Not since she made her bold stroke and kissed the girl she was in love with in broad daylight, in the middle of the street.

So she gulps down her fear, looks at Aster continuing to hang up lights, and nods, more to herself than to Aster. “Teamwork.”

+-+

It’s late by the time they’re done, late enough that Ellie’s dad insists that Ellie invite Aster to stay over so that she doesn’t have to drive home in the dark.

“Oh no, it’s fine Mr. Chu. I only live like five minutes away-”

But Ellie’s dad shakes his head. “You stay here tonight. Safer.” Then he points a finger at Ellie. “Make sure she stays.”

Ellie complains. “But Ba-”

“No buts.” He points at Aster. “She stays.”

Aster just looks at Ellie and shrugs.

+-+

“Okay, so it’s a little cramped, but that’s no big deal, I can sleep on the floor in my sleeping bag and you can have the bed.” Ellie’s already grabbing her sleeping back from her closet when she feels a light hand on her lower back, and then Aster’s gently pushing the sleeping bag back into the closet.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind sharing the bed.”

And she’s standing close, as close as she was in the booth except this time there’s no box locking them in together. Ellie can nearly feel the warmth emanating off of her. Her heart pounds in her chest and she realizes Aster’s hand is still on her back. Except unlike the booth, she’s not trapped here, so she quickly turns and marches away so that the bed is between her and Aster. “Right, yeah, okay. No problem.”

Here’s the thing. She’s not scared, she’s _not_ , but Ellie’s never really had close friends, much less close _girl_ friends. So she’s not too sure whether this whole sharing a bed thing is a girl _friend_ thing, or a _girlfriend_ thing, but she’s pretty sure it’s the former, and so she’s not freaking out.

Nope. Definitely not.

She turns back to Aster, who’s still standing by the closet. “Um, if you want, I have a baggy t-shirt and sweats you can sleep in.”

Aster nods. “Yeah, sure. That’d be great, thanks.”

And… they’re in the closet. Behind where Aster’s still standing.

Ellie walks back over and slips by Aster, careful not to touch her. “Sorry, just let me grab them from in here real quick…” Ellie leans down to start digging through the bottom drawers of the small dresser in her closet.

She feels another light touch, this time higher up by her shoulders, sending a shock through her spine. She stiffens. Then, Aster leans down over her, and her breath ghosts over her ear. Ellie resists the urge to shiver. “Ellie, relax. It’s just me. Just a girl, remember?” Then Aster stands back up again, and the warmth is gone.

“Definitely not just a girl,” Ellie mutters under her breath. She hears a small chuckle from behind her, so she figures she hadn’t said it as quietly as she thought she had.

When Ellie leaves the room so Aster can change, she leans her head back against a wall and takes a deep breath. Her brain unwittingly brings back the memory of Aster’s breath near her ear and touch on her back, and just how close she was (close enough to _kiss_ , she thinks in the back of her head), and this time she can’t help but shiver.

+-+

Ellie can’t sleep.

Aster’s curled up on one side of the bed and Ellie’s lying flat on her back on the other side, but with how tiny her bed is, there aren’t really _sides_ , so really with how Aster’s sleeping (turned towards Ellie), her head is nearly touching Ellie’s, and her arms and legs are lightly touching Ellie’s own side.

Ellie tries to shift slightly away, but there’s really nowhere to go and she feels one leg start to hang off the edge of the bed.

Then, she feels Aster’s hand on her shoulder and when she turns to look, Aster’s eyes are just barely open. She looks at Ellie, then closes her eyes again and rubs Ellie’s shoulder gently. “Relax,” she whispers. “Go to sleep.”

Then Aster’s arm moves to wrap over Ellie’s waist, and she tugs gently, pulling Ellie back so she’s fully on the bed again. “And stop falling off the bed. I don’t bite,” she murmurs in a low voice. She doesn’t remove her arm from around Ellie’s waist, and Ellie feels Aster shift even closer, leaning her head on Ellie’s shoulder.

When Ellie hears Aster’s breaths even out again, she lets out a shaky breath of her own and shuts her eyes tightly, willing sleep to come.

+-+

When Ellie wakes up, she feels an unfamiliar warmth around her back. She’s also now turned on her side, which is definitely _not_ how she remembers falling asleep. She opens her eyes, and a quick glance confirms her suspicions.

Aster Flores is wrapped around her like a koala, arm still draped over her waist, their legs intertwined, and her breath warm on the back of Ellie’s neck.

She figures she must’ve turned on her side to accommodate this position in her sleep, because Aster is completely pressed against her back, close enough that Ellie can feel all the curves of her body and _okay_ , she needs to calm down right now.

Ellie takes a few deep breaths before closing her eyes and letting out a quiet, content sigh. It’s comfortable, she thinks. It’s warm, and it feels safe. She thinks it feels similar to how every visit back home from Grinnell has felt, but even better. She shuts her eyes and revels in it for a few more minutes.

Ellie knows Aster’s awake when she feels her shift slightly behind her, and the arm around her waist is carefully removed. She waits a few more minutes, until she feels Aster get up from the bed, before she herself opens her eyes and pretends to wake up.

She sits up and lets out a genuine yawn. Aster giggles. “Morning, sleeping beauty.” Her voice still has some last remnants of sleep, making it lower than Ellie has ever heard it.

Ellie grabs for her glasses on her bedside table. What she does _not_ expect to see when she puts them on is Aster standing in front of her, shirtless with just a bra and Ellie’s baggy sweatpants on. She gapes for a few seconds.

Aster, to her credit, gives Ellie a sheepish smile before turning around so at least all Ellie sees is her back. Her voice is a bit softer now that she’s facing the wall. “How’d you sleep?”

Ellie adjusts her glasses and glances anywhere but the view of Aster in front of her, tugging on her t-shirt from last night. “Um, fine, I guess.” She runs a hand through her hair, catching knots along the way. “It was a bit warmer than I was used to.”

Aster turns around, now with a shirt on but no pants. She tosses Ellie’s sweatpants to her, and Ellie just barely manages to catch them before they smack her in the face. Aster gives her another smile as she reaches for her jeans from Ellie’s chair. “Sorry about that, I get kind of hot at night.” Ellie decides to stare at the logo on the pant leg instead of up at Aster, who’s now tugging on her skinny jeans.

“You’re always kind of hot,” Ellie mutters. When she sees Aster turn to her at the edge of her vision, halfway done with pulling up her jeans and wide-eyed, Ellie realizes what she just said.

She looks up, wide-eyed. “I mean-”

Aster just laughs. “Only kind of? Jeez, Chu. I’m a little offended.”

Ellie shakes her head and releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She lets out a small chuckle. “Shut up.”

They finish getting dressed in relative silence, though while Ellie’s changing, she’s sure she feels Aster’s eyes watching her every once in a while from the chair where she’s waiting patiently. But every time she tries to meet Aster’s eyes, they’re looking elsewhere.

The air feels… tense. It rings with unspoken words and feelings. It makes Ellie a little uncomfortable, if she’s being completely honest, so when she’s dressed and ready to go, she avoids looking at Aster and makes for the door. “I’ll walk you out to your car-”

Her hand is on the doorknob when she feels Aster grab her wrist gently. She lets go of the door handle and turns around, giving Aster a worried look. Her mind is racing.

_She’s gonna say this is a mistake. That we never should’ve started hanging out again. What was I thinking anyways, we were barely friends the first time, besides she has a girlfr-_

“I broke up with my girlfriend.”

Oh.

_Oh._

“You what?” Ellie breathes out.

Aster has the decency to look sheepish again. She seems to realize her hand is still around Ellie’s wrist, so she retracts it and shoves it into her back pocket instead. “Yeah. It was a few nights ago.” She lets out a weak chuckle. “Right before we went stargazing, actually.”

Ellie furrows her brows. “Why-”

“Why’d I break up with her?” Aster interrupts. She starts to answer, but Ellie cuts her off.

“No.” She looks up at Aster. “Why are you telling me?”

Aster smiles at her. “Isn’t it obvious?” She steps closer to Ellie, nearly backing her against the door. Aster reaches for Ellie’s hands, and cradles them gently in her own. She takes a deep breath, seeming to ground herself for a moment. “I like you, Ellie.” Her smile is big and bright. “And apparently, saying it to you straight like this is the only way to get the message through.”

Ellie is dumbfounded. She looks down at their hands, held together, then glances back up to Aster’s face. She looks… nervous, as Ellie realizes she hasn’t given much of a response. “You… like me? Like, _like me_ , like me?”

“ _Yes_ , Ellie.” Aster looks a little exasperated.

Ellie narrows her eyes at Aster, turning her hands over in Aster’s palms and grasping onto her fingers. “Are you _sure_? You’re not just confused- or I don’t know reacting to bein-”

Aster leans forward and kisses her.

Aster Flores is _kissing_ her.

Aster pulls back for a moment and she looks worried, tugging at her bottom lip with her teeth. “I’m sorry, I-”

Ellie’s the one who leans in this time, crashing their lips together. She feels Aster smile against her lips, before her hands move to hold Ellie’s face. Ellie moves her own to hold Aster’s waist, and her fingers light a fire on Aster’s bare skin where the hem of her shirt rides up. 

After a few minutes, they hear a shout from downstairs.

“Ellie! Breakfast!”

Aster gives Ellie one last peck as her hands drag a fiery path down Ellie’s face and neck. Then she finally takes a step back, giving Ellie a self-satisfied smile. Ellie just stares at her for a second, dazed. She leans back against her bedroom door. “Wow.”

Aster lets out a small giggle. “Yeah.”

“So you’re telling me we could’ve been doing _that_ all of last night?”

Aster steps into Ellie’s space again. “I mean, yes, but it was adorable watching you fumble around me. Felt like high school again.”

Ellie scoffs, and tugs Aster closer by the belt loops on her jeans. “Please don’t remind me of high school.”

“Fine. Then how’s this?” Aster kisses her again, over and over, leaving Ellie breathless with each press of her lips against Ellie’s own.

When a small lull finally arises and they start to slow down, Ellie manages to pull away (albeit reluctantly). “Wait a second.” She stabs a light accusatory finger into Aster’s chest. “You said you wanted to be _friends_ yesterday.”

Aster manages to look a little guilty at that. “Yeah, sorry about that.” She lets out a big sigh. “I guess I was trying to convince _myself_ more than anything. But then, you were,” she gestures up and down Ellie’s body, “you.”

Ellie gives her a smirk. “You saying you only like me for my body, Flores?”

Aster groans and leans in to peck her on the lips. “ _No_ , but it definitely has its perks. More than anything though, I like you for your thoughtful, intellectual self. The same self I fell for in high school when I thought I was falling for Paul, and the same self I fell for again, even after all these years.” She leans in to kiss Ellie again, and Ellie can’t help but deepen it.

They keep making out against Ellie’s bedroom door for a _while_ , when they hear her dad shout again from downstairs. Between kisses, Ellie barely manages to get the words out. “We should,” _kiss_ , “go down.” _Kiss_ , “breakfast.”

Aster lets out a defeated sigh against Ellie’s lips. “Yeah, okay.” She gives Ellie one final kiss, lips pressing against Ellie’s firmly for a few final moments before she pulls away.

“ _But_ ,” Ellie says, giving a small tug on Aster’s jeans, “we can continue this later.”

Aster smiles.

+-+

When Ellie texts Paul the news of her and Aster’s getting-together later that day, he responds within seconds.

_I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!_


End file.
